Ive often wished I could travel back 16 years ago and give my young bride self some advice. But since thats not possible, I love sharing what Ive learned with others.

Recently, I had dinner with a 28 year-old friend who would love to one day be married. During our time together the conversation flowed freely about all sorts of things. Blogs. Writing. Leaving your comfort zone because God said so. Biscuits. You know, girl stuff. And then we moved on to the subject of relationships and marriage.

I shared with my friend that when I was single I thought marriage was all about finding the right partner. I thought if you find “the one,” you’ll be happy, secure, and fulfilled. I do think it’s good to have a list of standards that you look for in a spouse. However, it can never be with the expectation that if you find that special someone, he’ll right all your wrongs and fill up all your insecurities. The problem with this thinking is the pressure it will eventually put on your spouse.

To expect another person to make you feel happy, secure, and fulfilled will leave you disappointed at best and disillusioned at worst. Even a great husband makes a very poor God.

Only God can settle those deep heart-needs. A man can never do this. If a husband could meet every need his wife had, we’d have no need for God. Therefore, instead of just focusing on finding the right partner, let God work on your heart to help you become the right partner. The time to start working on becoming a wife is now. Before the white dress, delicate bouquets, unity candle, bacon wrapped shrimp, and reception punch, there is some heart stuff to consider:

Getting married doesn’t instantly make you selfless… it makes you realize how very selfish you can be at times.

Getting married doesn’t make you feel loved… it makes you realize love is more of a decision you make than a feeling you feel.

Getting married doesn’t take away loneliness… it makes you realize true companionship comes not when you demand it but rather when you give it to another person.

So, what does marriage give?

A beautiful chance to make the choice to …

Laugh whether or not the jokes are funny.

Love by folding his collar over his tie every morning.

Pretend like you don’t need flowers, but delight when he buys them anyway.

Cheer him on through both failures and successes.

Tell him he’s a great man everyday.

Thank God for the privilege of being his wife.

After our time together, my friend thanked me for our talk. She said it gave her a lot to think about. To be honest, it gave me a lot to think about as well.

Lysa TerKeurst

Dear Lord, only You can fill my heart, right my wrongs, and make me feel loved. I pray that You would show me how to keep my expectations of my husband in check. Help me to be the wife he desires. And help me to remember that marriage was never meant to make me happy all the time. Marriage is a decision to honor You by honoring the one youve entrusted to me to be my husband. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Related Resources:

Capture His Heart by Lysa TerKeurst perfect for those married or those just thinking about marriage!

The Bathtub is Overflowing but I Feel Drained by Lysa TerKeurst

What a Husband Needs from His Wife by Melanie Chitwood

Application Steps:
If you arent married yet, think of some ways God might want to work on your heart before marriage.

If you are married, think of a way youve tried to get your husband to fill a need that only God can meet. Pray and ask God how you can rely on God for this need instead of your husband.

Reflections:
Have you ever caught yourself saying, I could be a great wife if only my husband would? Or, If only I was married, I could really be

Remember, it is impossible to control what another person says or does. Therefore, waiting for your spouse to change in order for your relationship to get better, will only cause frustration. If, however, we take responsibility for our own actions and reactions, God can help us make real progress.

Power Verses:
Proverbs 3: 5-6, Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (NIV)
Psalm 37:4, Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. (NIV)

A husband and wife were fighting. They refused to talk. Getting ready for a business trip the next day, and not willing to be the first one to cave in and actually speak, the husband wrote his wife a note, “Please make sure I’m up by 5:30 a.m. I must catch a flight.”

At 9:00 a.m. the next morning, the husband awakens and realizes he’s missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t awakened him, when he noticed a note by the bed. It read, “It’s 5:30 a.m. Wake up.”

Who wins in a situation like this? Have you ever felt like you and your spouse are spinning your wheels in an argument you both know will never go anywhere?

My wife has always been better at keeping her mouth shut than I have. I mean this as a compliment. I tend to open my mouth too early, too often or too much (note to self: never again ask a woman if she’s pregnant or just took the gray out of her hair).

The downside of my wife’s verbal reticence was that early in our marital conflicts she could leave me talking to a blank stare for days on end. She could shut down the lines of communication with a flip of some mental and/or emotional switch.

It wasn’t healthy, because the silent partner in marriage holds all the cards. The silent partner controls the emotional tenor of the marriage. The one who chooses obstinate quiet over talking through conflict stunts the growth of the marriage.

It’s the same with our relationship with God. If I choose to hold back in my prayer life, to be stingy in those things I share with God, then I’m stunting my spiritual growth. And who does that hurt? God? I think his omnipotence can handle my freeze tactics. The silent treatment hurts my relationship with God and with my spouse. Obstinate silence changes the balance of power in any relationship for the worse.

Lest you think I have it in for quiet people, consider the other side of the coin. I know those whose verbal tirades have left their spouse literally quivering in fear of what comes next. I know husbands and wives who, in the name of “being real” or being “honest” in their marriage, let loose with biting, stinging words that wound their spouses to the core.

Instead of hurting the marriage by holding back verbally, these folks hurt the marriage by lashing out. These couples sell the same damage in a different wrapper.

To find the balance between these extremes, recognize that marriage, like our relationship with Christ, takes communication. Just as you won’t grow spiritually without some form of consistent prayer life, you won’t grow in your marriage without some form of consistent communication. If you’re the spouse that likes to hold back verbally when you’re mad, and you don’t take the initiative to come back to truly resolve whatever conflict you’re facing, you cheat yourself and your marriage out of God’s best. If you’re trying to keep the balance of power in your favor by holding back verbally, you’re probably succeeding but at what price?

Maybe you’re the spouse using words to tip the balance of power in your favor. You trample on your spouse’s feelings, self-esteem and dignity with every hurtful verbal exchange. Maybe you find yourself rationalizing your communication style by saying, “She needed to hear that,” or, “I know the truth hurts, but somebody has to tell him.” If this is you, I’d caution that there are very rare, limited cases when a married individual should take this stance of being marital judge and jury.

Instead, in humility, we would do better to take whatever “she needed to hear” or the “truth that you had to tell him” before the throne of grace. Earnestly ask God if your heart and attitude are right before ever going back to your spouse for the kind of conversation that could once again trample your spouse’s spirit.

Find balance in your style of managing marital conflict. Silence hurts. So does verbally lashing out. Neither is a healthy way to resolve conflict in your marriage. In extremes, both styles of resolving conflict are futile relational power-grabs. If you’re the quiet one, learn from your blabber-mouth spouse. If you’re the talker that shoots verbal darts non-stop, learn from your tight-lipped spouse. Stop doing things the way you’ve always done them, and begin looking for different results.

Most importantly, though, don’t focus solely on the balance of power in your marriage. Focus on the balance of power between you and your Maker. Balance this scale, and the rest tends to take care of itself. Are you talking with God? Or are you the silent partner?

Copyright 2008, Matthew D. Turvey. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

Matthew D. Turvey Matthew D. Turvey, Psy.D., LP, is the Director of Strategic Alliances for Life Innovations, a company specializing in marriage and family relationship assessment and enrichment. He is a licensed psychologist with a specialization in Marriage and Family Therapy. Prior to joining Life Innovations, he held positions with the Smalley Relationship Center, MarriageToday and in private practice. He is the author of several articles in numerous publications on marriage and family topics. He currently resides outside of St. Paul, Minnesota. He has been married to Nicole for over 12 years and has three children that keep him laughing … and quite busy.

Well the year has literally flown by, we’ve celebrated Thanksgiving which means that Christmas is right around the corner. On Sunday November 29th, we will have celebrated the first Sunday of Advent beginning the anticipation of the celebration of our Saviors birth. The Prophet Isaiah promised Gods people over 700 years before hand in 7:14 Therefore the Lord Himself shall give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel. Immanuel means God with us. God becoming man to be with us humans, for the express purpose of redeeming us back and providing a means for us to be in a right relationship with God through faith Jesus Christ. Contrary to our modern way of thinking of a first and last name, Jesus Christ is not the first and last name of our Savior. Jesus (Jehovah is Salvation) is the name God the Father named His Son born in the flesh who would be Gods provision for the salvation of mankind. Christ is his title from the Old Testament as the promised Messiah who would save His people from their sins. While the marketing agencies on Madison Avenue and retailers jockey for position to capitalize on gift buying dollars during this season of celebration, the politically correct crowd is going to do their best to shove Christ out of Christmas with the mantras of Seasons Greetings or Happy Holidays; for Christians, we know that its CHRISTmas and that Jesus really is the reason for the season. Regardless of what pop culture or the politically correct talking heads think, do not be ashamed to respond to people Merry Christmas when they tell you Happy Holidays. Put a big smile on your face and reply Merry Christmas to you too. Christ can only be removed from Christmas if we sit by and say nothing when we have opportunity. Just be sweet, show the love of Jesus and honor the Lord as you go.

This is an exciting time of year as we are preparing for a wonderful celebration of our Saviors birth. I want to remind you it is one of the two times a year people will respond and come to church if you invite them. Many people want to go to church at Christmas and have no idea where to go, but if you invite them, they’ll come. I need your help doing just that, inviting people. Saturday Dec.5th is our Christmas blitz where well walk through a neighborhood near church and place a bag on door handles with our schedule of events, info on Calvary, a bag of popcorn with an invitation to pop in and see us and of course the gospel. Well have hundreds of these to pass out and we need people who will walk to distribute these. Well feed you lunch but plan now to help us on Saturday, Dec. 5th at 11:00 a.m. If it pours the rain, well aim for Sat.12th. December 13 is our choir musical in both services, Ken and the choir have been working hard and I’ve heard pieces of their music and it is awesome. Invite people to come with you to hear this powerful musical. Well have Christmas carols in our worship services all through December and each service will be special.

We are also kicking off our Lottie Moon Christmas offering for international missions. Our church goal is $24,000.00 which is an incredible opportunity for us to invest in Gods kingdom. Our international mission board uses every dime of this money for missionary support on the field and we have missionaries who cannot go overseas because there is not enough money to support them. I made a determination with my family several years ago that we would not spend more on ourselves at Christmas than we would give to the Lottie Moon Christmas offering as a birthday present to Jesus. What this meant for the Greens is that instead of giving our 5 kids each four presents, we might give them each 2-3 and we took the difference and gave that money to Lottie Moon as a gift to our kids in their names. Even as youngsters, our children got excited they could be part of the Lottie Moon Christmas offering. Let me challenge you to not spend more on yourselves than what you give to Jesus for the Lottie Moon offering. If we all made that commitment, well not only meet our goal, well exceed that goal. Of course Im not living in a cave and I know its tough economically and theres much uncertainty financially, but I do know that we can never out give God. He gave us the very best He had in the person of Jesus Christ, what a thrill to give so that others may know Him personally.

On a personal note, Cheryl and I pray that this Christmas will be a wonderful Christmas for you and your family. We thank God for you, we love you and were excited to see what the Lord will do through each of us this Christmas. From my little corner of the world to yours, its beginning to look a lot like CHRISTmas
Ralph Green
SeniorPastor, Calvary BaptistChurch

by Mary Pierce

The locusts as my husband affectionately calls our extended family were on their way to our house for Thanksgiving. We host Thanksgiving every year, gathering together for a time of love and bonding. Every year another culinary disaster looms, threatening to distract us from what really matters.
That year, 22 locusts were headed our way, and the turkey refused to thaw. I spent the morning giving it cold-water baths. (OK, I cheated just a little and gave it a spritz or two of warm water.) Then, trying the nuclear thawing option, I realized it’s impossible to wedge a 20-pound turkey into an 8-pound microwave.
“Why don’t we just eat later?” my rational mate proposed. I shuddered to think of 22 hungry locusts having to wait for dinner, so I hustled to prepare the side dishes: sweet potatoes with marshmallows, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, scalloped corn and Jell-O, of course.
The ability to make Jell-O is a gift. I’m not good at Jell-O. I envy women who effortlessly concoct crystalline mounds of jiggling glory. After measuring, heating, stirring and chilling as directed, I held my breath as I turned the plastic mold upside down onto a plate. I gave it a gentle shake, straining to hear, just this once, the satisfying plop of a well-turned Jell-O.
I lifted the mold, and slurp! shoop! a shimmering mound landed on the plate. Perfect! For a moment. Then it began to flatten. And flatten. And flatten.
“It’s a Jell-O Frisbee,” my husband said.
Shortly thereafter, the last of the locusts arrived as I was basting the buzzard. But a miscalculation shot hot grease all over the oven. The smoke alarm blasted, the teakettle screamed and the potatoes boiled over at the same time. I swished a dish towel under the smoke detector, trying to clear the air while hollering for my husband to find the stepstool and disconnect the battery until the smoke cleared.
In that moment of noise and laughter the wonderful chaos of family and life I realized once again what was important. Thanksgiving is not about perfection; it’s about people people who share the ups and downs of life and still love you.
For 15 Thanksgivings in a row, we’ve been blessed as we’ve gathered to eat, laugh and talk young, old and in-between, family, friends and foreigners. One year my niece told her then-fiance that part of their marriage “deal” would be coming to our house every Thanksgiving.
Last year they couldn’t come, spending Thanksgiving in neonatal intensive care with their premature son. This year they’ll bring Jonah, robust and healthy, for his first Thanksgiving with the clan.
And we’ll reminisce about past culinary disasters, like the time the stuffing had mystery bits in it. “Are they walnuts? Almonds?” After dinner I noticed a chunk of my rubber scraper was missing. Oops.
Grandma, who remembers yesteryear better than yesterday, will tell us about the time she baked a turkey with the bag of innards still inside.
Jell-O Frisbees. Lumpy gravy. Blackened turkey. No matter they’re the stuff of laughter and memories. What matters is that we gather together, with gratitude to God for His love and for the blessing of each other.
We express our gratitude as we hold hands and pray. With our shared amen, we have a moment of quiet. Then, someone always says, “Hey, this is the same thing we had last year!”
Yes, it’s the same thing every year: noise and laughter, remembrance and blessing. We say goodbye to some, hello to others. We celebrate our blessings together, and we’ll do it again and again for as many years as God allows.
This article first appeared in the November, 2005 issue of Focus on the Family magazine. Copyright 2005, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved.

And that’s just the national headlines not to mention individual tragedies like cancer and divorce that overshadow many of our lives.

In times like these, when nations are desperate for someone they can trust, Christians know we can always find strength and hope in the Word of the Lord. He tells us through the Apostle Paul, Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NKJV).

Paul knew what it meant to praise God in the midst of suffering. He gave up a relatively comfortable and prestigious lifestyle to become an itinerant preacher who was repeatedly persecuted, beaten, shipwrecked and imprisoned. When he prayed to God for relief from a thorn in the flesh what he called a messenger of Satan to buffet me God answered, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9, NKJV).

As the world struggles to cope with disease, famine, war, disaster and poverty, it is our responsibility as Christians to assure the world that God is still in control and that He has a plan to rescue all who repent of their sins and trust Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Not only has He suffered on our behalf, but He has promised to bear our burdens. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28, NIV).

For that, we can be eternally thankful.

This old world may be falling apart, but ultimately this is not our home. Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe (Hebrews 12:28, NIV).

by Franklin Graham

http://www.billygraham.org/News_Article.asp?ArticleID=722&BA=1847&QR=116

Remember June and Ward Cleaver that oh-so-happy couple that chuckled through life’s lessons with nary a care? The couple that never seemed to have any conflict? Never seemed to fight? Gee, Beav, weren’t they happy?
June and Ward were my parents. They never seemed to disagree, to argue or to have any conflict whatsoever. I remember hearing my parents have a serious disagreement only one or two times during my formative years. If you grew up in a family where fighting was the norm and days of peace were something only the neighbors experienced, you may be jealous.
There are two sides to this coin, however. I came out of adolescence and into adulthood fearing conflict. I detested conflict. I didn’t have a clue how to handle it. Conflict brought up emotions I didn’t know how to handle. I had no backbone in my personal relationships all because I didn’t want any conflict. I ran scared.
Fast forward to marriage. God placed a wonderful woman in my life who was much less noticeably afflicted with conflict-aphobia. True to past form, I spent the first years of our marriage trying to avoid conflict and fighting. I hated the emotions dredged up by conflict, and I didn’t know what to do when my wife brought up issues that were difficult for me to deal with. I wasted huge amounts of time avoiding conflict, hiding from it and trying to sweep it under the rug without dealing with it. I was doing all this while thinking it was best for me, best for my wife and best for our marriage.
However, instead of having less and less conflict (my inherent goal in avoiding it), my wife and I started having more frequent, more intense and more completely unsolvable conflicts. The very conflict I was running away from kept coming right back at me. I was running down a mountain away from an avalanche that wasn’t slowing down.
I didn’t allow my wife to have any negative emotions or at least not to let me know about them. Through my words and actions, she understood I couldn’t be bothered or wouldn’t be bothered with conflict.
I was communicating to her, “If you have a problem with something in our relationship, don’t tell me about it. It’s your issue. You figure it out, and then tell me about it with a big fake smile on your face. Don’t tell me about your pain. I don’t want to know that you’re feeling pushed out of my life because of my utter lack of willingness to deal with reality.”
Our marriage arrived at a tipping point. Something had to give. The “my way or the highway” approach wasn’t working. My wife couldn’t go on with not being able to express herself to me. I couldn’t go on hiding and avoiding the conflict gurgling right under the surface. I was destroying my marriage in my short-sighted efforts to make it my version of “better.”
It was at this point of hurt that a series of events and connections with godly people led to me a life-changing revelation. I realized it was unfair not to fight. How selfish and arrogant of me to think that marriage had to be my way or the highway especially when my way wasn’t God’s way.
For too many years I had been cheating my wife out of the chance to be heard. I was squashing vitality and life out of her and our marriage without even knowing it.
So I began to change. I began to accept that conflict done right is a wonderful thing. It’s a crucible through which we take our relationship to a deeper level. We learn something about each other that lets us love deeper. When we accept our own shortcomings and the faults of our spouse and we work through them honestly, we get an incredible opportunity to extend God’s grace to another person.
I soon realized I had also been cheating myself out of a huge part of marriage. I had not allowed myself to experience the emotions I was so scared of. When I paused and felt really felt the emotions that previously terrified me, I grew in ways I didn’t imagine possible. Taking off my emotional sunglasses led me to see the world, my wife and my marriage in a full spectrum of new clarity. Life wasn’t so one-sided anymore.
Maybe you find yourself in a marriage where your spouse “can’t do” conflict. Or maybe it’s you that can’t do conflict. It’s not fair to continue on this path.
Remember a few key principles to guide you through the process of fighting fair:
Emotions are nothing to avoid or be afraid of. Emotions just are. God gave them to us. Let’s celebrate them in all their messiness, complexity, joy and pain.
Emotions are signposts that help you navigate the journey of marriage. Embrace the emotional expressions of your spouse and look for the message behind the words. What does your spouse’s anger mean about their current experience and satisfaction in marriage? Learn from these emotions.
You make a better marriage when you work through conflict and honestly confront emotions. It may not sound macho, but my ability to cry with my wife and to better understand her pain led to increased intimacy in other areas of our relationship.
I’m not trying to be Ward Cleaver in marriage anymore. My wife and I no longer avoid conflict in our marriage. We see conflict as a chance to find the deep and rich rewards that come from living examined lives. We’ve learned to fight for our marriage which is only fair.
Copyright 2008, Matthew D. Turvey. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

Matthew D. Turvey Matthew D. Turvey, Psy.D., LP, is the Director of Strategic Alliances for Life Innovations, a company specializing in marriage and family relationship assessment and enrichment. He is a licensed psychologist with a specialization in Marriage and Family Therapy. Prior to joining Life Innovations, he held positions with the Smalley Relationship Center, MarriageToday and in private practice. He is the author of several articles in numerous publications on marriage and family topics. He currently resides outside of St. Paul, Minnesota. He has been married to Nicole for over 12 years and has three children that keep him laughing … and quite busy.